Stop in the Name of Love [3.01]

Willie: Kate, this lasagna looks really great!

ALF: Very well worth the interminable wait.

Willie: I asked you twice to stop doing that.

ALF: What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.

Willie: You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.

ALF: No problem, Willie. Have it your way.

Willie: Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.

Kate: What?

Willie: He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!

Lynn: [comes home, angry] WHAT A CREEP! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. [after Lynn heads upstairs in a huff]

Willie: I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.

Kate: We should go see if she's all right.

[the two head upstairs]

ALF: Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]

[ALF comes in the kitchen with a razor while Willie fixing a machine that has a banana peel inside]

ALF: Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?

Willie: Oh, my razor is-- Uhh? [grabs razor out of ALF and sees his hair on it] Why were you shaving?

ALF: According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.

Willie: [looks too close at ALF's face] Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.

Lynn: ALF! [comes in angrily] HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

ALF: I couldn't find my own roll-on.

Kate: Lynn, what's wrong?

Lynn: I HAVE GOT A DATE TO GO BOWLING WITH DONNY DUCKSWORTH, THE GEEKIEST GUY IN SCHOOL, THANKS TO MY BROTHER, ALF.

Willie: Your brother?

Lynn: That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.

ALF: You wanted me to.

Lynn: I DID NOT WANT TO!

ALF: Well, you said you liked the guy.

Lynn: I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.

ALF: Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.

Kate: Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.

Lynn: It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.

ALF: That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!

Stairway to Heaven [3.02]

ALF: [comes in the house] Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.

Brian: Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?

Willie: Certainly, son.

Brian: Thank you.

ALF: Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?

Kate: Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.

Lynn: Oh, I, for one, certainly will.

ALF: Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?

Willie: What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.

Brian: We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.

ALF: Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.

Bob: They can't seem to hear you, ALF.

ALF: [screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!

Bob: They can't see me, either.

ALF: Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.

Bob: Believe me now.

ALF: No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?

Bob: My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.

ALF: Right, I'm the Easter alien.

Kate: Are you all right?

ALF: Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!

Brian: We worried about you.

ALF: Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!

Lynn: Who's Bob?

ALF: My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.

Kate: ALF, you were just dreaming.

Willie: We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.

Lynn: Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.

Willie: I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.

ALF: Well, you know I kicked the bucket?

Willie: ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.

ALF: Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?

Lynn: No.

ALF: It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The maserati's probably not happening either, right?

Lynn: Are you sure you're all right? Hey, what could be wrong?

ALF: I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart-- [glass shattering] Don't thank me.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do [3.03]

Raquel: [comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Willie: What do you mean, Raquel?

Raquel: Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

Willie: Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?

Kate: Of course not.

Willie: Kate didn't tell anyone.

Raquel: Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans. SO THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU WANT TO DRAG SOMEBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY THROUGH THE SUBURBAN MUD, TRY YOUR OWN. OR BETTER YET, MRS. HOLBUTS. SHE JUST HAD A NOSE JOB, YOU KNOW.

Willie: Do these names ring a bell? The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans?

ALF: What was the question?

Willie: Before I pull every hair out of your neck, I want to ask you something. Did you call those people and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?

ALF: I decline to answer on the grounds that I need my neck hair.

Willie: YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALF!

ALF: In other words, you disapprove of what I've done.

Willie: Wholeheartedly. I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, but what you're doing is just making things worse.

ALF: You're right, Willie. How could I have been so blind? You know, I've only been thinking of myself.

Willie: You're not just saying this because of that neck hair business?

ALF: No, no, I mean it. I've seen the error of my ways and will Endeavor to do better.

Willie: Well, thank you.

ALF: No. Thank you, Willie. Thank you.

Tonight, Tonight [3.04-3.05]

[Dr. Joyce Brothers and Joan Embry have both walked off the show]

Ed McMahon: Nice going, ALF. You're two for two. Why don't you get the Pope out here and try for a shutout?

ALF: HA! Good one Driver's Ed! Ha! [knocks over Johnny's mug]

Ed McMahon: Ooh! You broke Johnny's cup!

ALF: Hey, that's nothing. You should see what I did to his dressing room.

Ed McMahon: I've never seen Johnny's dressing room. I mean, I'm not allowed.

Promises, Promises [3.06]

Lynn: ALF, you scared me. What are you doing?

ALF: What am I doing? What are you doing? What happened to Randy?

Lynn: That wasn't Randy, that was someone else.

ALF: Yeah. Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist. Who shall remain last-nameless.

Lynn: Ok, so it was Eddie. He just happened to be at the party, see--

ALF: Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck. Come on. This is the old ALFer. What gives?

Lynn: Okay, I haven't really been dating Randy. I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night and then going to meet Eddie.

ALF: An hour a night? That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.

Lynn: ALF, please, don't tell Mom and Dad about this yet, ok? I know they'll like Eddie.

ALF: They just need some time to adjust. Don't tell them? You want me to lie?

Lynn: No! No, you don't have to lie. Just don't bring it up.

ALF: That's not lying.

Lynn: Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?

Kate: My ballerina?

ALF: You squealer!

Kate: My porcelain ballerina?

ALF: That was supposed to be a secret.

Kate: My wedding present porcelain ballerina?

Lynn: Well, you told my secret first.

ALF: But that just slipped out.

Kate: My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate porcelain ballerina?

ALF: Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.

Willie: All right, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us.

Lynn: Fine.

Willie: Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.

ALF: Fine. Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.

Kate: Really? When?

ALF: I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.

Turkey in the Straw: Part 1 [3.07]

ALF: [singing to the tune of "Happy Birthday" while in front of a dish of meatloaf] Happy Fappy to me, Happy Fappy to me. Happy Fappy to the alien they kept under house arrest with a long list of "don'ts" and nothing but a plate of cold meatloaf, while they all went to a big party with lots of hot food . . . Happy Fappy to me!

Turkey in the Straw: Part 2 [3.08]

Willie: ALF!

Flakey Pete: [walks into the kitchen] Oh. Hi Willie.

Willie: Where is he?

Flakey Pete: Who? You're little alien guy?

Willie: If anything... anything has happened to him, you're gonna be...

ALF: Hey Willie.

Willie: ALF!

ALF: Willie!

Willie: ALF!

ALF: Willie!

Brian: ALF!

ALF: Willie!

Lynn: ALF!

ALF: Willie!

Kate: ALF!

ALF: Willie?

Changes [3.09]

My Back Pages [3.10]

ALF: [to Willie] Where did you get that shirt…Fredericks of Sri Lanka?

Willie: It was the Sixties, ALF. Those clothes made a statement!

ALF: Yeah. "I dressed in the dark."

Willie: Forget the attic! The attic is out!

ALF: Why? Do you need the storage space for your abandoned idealism?

Willie: [angrily] Good night, ALF.

ALF: Boy! Point out one major flaw in someone's belief system and they take it personally!

Alone Again, Naturally [3.11]

Betty: [referring to ALF] Not in front of the f-r-e-a-k!

ALF: [misunderstanding her spelling] Who's "Frank"?

Betty: Goodnight, my furry little goldmine!

ALF: Goodnight, Frank.

Do You Believe in Magic? [3.12]

Hide Away [3.13]

Willie: Alright, he's taken advantage of us long enough! I'm going to have to be firm with him!

ALF: "Firm?" Oh-h-h! I haven't you this worked up since the time you were "adamant."

Willie: I'll help you send the satellite dish back.

ALF: Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.

Willie: [panicking] "Absolutely no refunds?!"

ALF: What, are you deaf?

Fight Back [3.14]

[Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn]

ALF: Horn works!

Willie: Thank you.

ALF: Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!

Jake: Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!

[Willie starts engine and it sputters to life]

Willie: Wow! Thank you, Jake!

Jake: You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?

ALF: It means Willie was gypped!

Willie: ALF!

Jake: Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.

Suspicious Minds [3.15]

[ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]

ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.

Willie: I'm not convinced.

ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.

Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.

ALF: [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.

Aaron King: ALF, I've had it with this Elvis thing. Look, I'll prove it to you!

[Aaron pulls out his guitar and starts performing "Heartbreak Hotel" for ALF]

ALF: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!, no wonder your baby left you if you've been singing like that!. Stinkaroni.

Aaron King: Are you convinced I'm not Elvis?

ALF: You just need a little more practice, you've been dead for a while.

Aaron King: Look, I wish I was Elvis buddy, but I'm just a truck driver from Tupelo, and that's as close as I'll ever get to being The King.

ALF: But in my heart, I will always know you as Elvis.

Willie: Even if this man were Elvis Presley and I assure you he's not, he'll never admit it.

ALF: I bet I can get it out of him.

Willie: [yelling] LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!!!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!

ALF: So what are you saying? leave the man alone?

Aaron King: What the heck are you???

ALF: I ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Aaron King: Hound dogs don't talk!!!

ALF: Neither do dead singers.

Baby Love [3.16]

[after ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the room]

ALF: Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?

Lynn: What is the matter with you?

ALF: I'm allergic to babies.

Lynn: ALF, that is ridiculous.

ALF: Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes 3 times] See, I'm allergic to babies.

Kate: [comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.

ALF: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.

Kate: What?

ALF: I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]

Kate: We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]

ALF: [sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.

[ALF is at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks]

Jake: ALF, what are you doing in here?

ALF: I've run away from garage.

Jake: What are you talking about?

ALF: Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.

Jake: What happened?

ALF: I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.

Jake: You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.

ALF: I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?

Jake: ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?

ALF: Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.

Jake: ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.

ALF: We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.

Running Scared [3.17]

Kate: Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?

Willie: Yeah, going on three years now.

Kate: No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.

Willie: Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.

Kate: Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!

Trevor: Hey, Tanners! It's me!

Willie: Morning.

Trevor: Good morning. I'll take it.

Kate: Take what?

Trevor: Your house! [he holds up a sign he found on the front yard]

Willie: [reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?

Trevor: Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.

Willie: No. I mean, we're not selling the house.

Kate: Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.

Trevor: Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel.

Standing in the Shadows of Love [3.18]

[Jake has fallen in love]

ALF: Are you still thinking about that girl ?

Jake: Ever since I saw her in that school play, I can't think of anything else.

ALF: What do thay call this temptress?

Jake: Her name is ... Laura ...

ALF: And how does ... Laura ... feel about ... Jake ...?

Jake: She doesn't know I´m alive!

ALF: No problem! You walk up to her and say : "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse ."

Lynn: [giving ALF a haircut] ALF, hold still. I want to get it even.

ALF: Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz.

Kate: I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance.

ALF: You think I wake up looking this good?

Kate: [doorbell rings] Doorbell.

ALF: Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah! Beat ya to it.

Lynn: Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up.

ALF: Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure.

Lynn: Welcher!

Superstition [3.19]

Willie: What are you cooking?

ALF: It's a surprise.

Willie: Oh, no.

ALF: Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.

Kate: Hence the crackling noise.

Willie: You're frying June bugs?

ALF: Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.

Brian: Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?

ALF: Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.

Willie: That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich."

Torn Between Two Lovers [3.20]

Funeral for a Friend [3.21]

Brian: ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.

Willie: We already have a cat.

ALF: But you told me never to play with my food!

ALF: I still have this dull ache inside.

Willie: You've been through a great deal of pain in the last twenty-four hours, ALF. It's just your body responding to that.

ALF: Nah, I think it's Kate's potato salad. I've had problems with it before! (belches loudly

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark [3.22]

[ALF is in Brian's room helping him pack]

ALF: Sleeping bag.

Brian: Yeah.

ALF: Poncho.

Brian: Yeah.

ALF: Mess kit.

Brian: It's in the closet. I'll get it.

ALF: Brian?

Brian: What?

ALF: What's a mess kit?

Brian: It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.

ALF: Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?

Brian: I don't care. Pack whatever you want.

[ALF, Jake, and Brian are sleeping in the Tanner's backyard in a tent]

Jake: What do you think, those psycho killers have a map of the Tanner´s house?

ALF: Don't be silly, I'm talking about real dangers ... like ... slugs. Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?

Jake: No one gets tucked in, in the wildernes.

ALF: At least zip me up! [Jake zips ALF's sleeping-bag] Hey! Watch the fur!!

Jake: It´s for your own protection, you don't want any slugs getting in, do you?

ALF: Oh, zip it over my head!

Jake: Good night ALF.

ALF: Good night John Boy!

Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow? [3.23]

ALF: There must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! Two sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo…I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.

ALF: For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

Jake: Yeah? Then how come I feel so crummy?

ALF: You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember?

Like an Old Time Movie [3.24]

ALF: Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.

Kate: You're not giving away my Tupperware.

ALF: Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.

Shake, Rattle and Roll [3.25]

ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey. [opens fridge] Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this? [picks a note off the food and reads it] "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this? [throws away the note] Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes. [as he does this an earthquake starts] Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.

Kate: ALF, say something! Anything!

ALF: Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.

Willie: Your eyes are closed.

ALF: Oh.

Having My Baby [3.26]

ALF: [singing] This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid, [baby drops] and this is how we drop it.

Lynn: What are you doing?

ALF: Practicing for when the baby comes. How well do earth children bounce?

Lynn: Not very.

ALF: Then what do people mean when they say "Bouncing baby boy"?

Lynn: It's an expression, not a suggestion. Here, this is how you do it. You put the diaper on like this and you fold it over like this and you fasten it here and here. Like this. See? Here, now you try it.

ALF: It's used now, yuck!

[ALF is at home meeting with baby Eric]

ALF: So anyway, the Tanners decided I could stay. And here I am. It's not a bad place to live, actually. Kate takes a little getting used to, but you probably already figured that part out. Well, Willie said he needed me to help teach you about stuff. So I thought I'd start with the most important thing, these are the channel control buttons.