A.L.F. [1.01]

[first lines of the series]

Willie: This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.

Kate: Why don't you just shut it off?

Willie: I ... can't ... I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.

Kate: Willie, what's that?

Willie: Oh, my gosh! It can't be.

Kate: The lights! What happened to the lights?

Brian: Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?

Lynn: What's going on?

Willie: It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better.... [the spacecraft crashes into garage] We have a visitor.

[ALF is in the living room with Brian watching TV]

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?

ALF: No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.

Woman on T.V.: If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!

ALF: Brillant! This and the letter "I" in one day. I gotta get something to drink.

Brian: Me too. [he and ALF go get something to drink]

Kate: Where are you two going?

Brian: We've got to get something to drink.

ALF: We're parched.

Kate: Okay, but no soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.

ALF: Yes, ma'am.

Brian: Yes, ma'am.

ALF: Geez, what's with the warden?

[sounds of can opening and Brian and ALF come out with a drink in their hand]

Kate: I said no soda pop.

Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.

ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!

Kate: What? Give those to me! [puts beer on top of the TV]

ALF: Hey, careful. His is still full.

Kate: Now you just listen to me, ALF. I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house. This boy is only 6 years old, he is not to drink beer and you are not to drink beer. I don't know what it's like on "Mork", or whatever planet you come from---

ALF: Melmac.

Kate: What?

ALF: Melmac. That was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.

Strangers in the Night [1.02]

ALF: [voice over] I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [A man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine.

Delivery Man: Pizza Barge! One super Sicilian, that's me. Here's your pizza. Sorry we couldn't leave it by the tree. It's against company policy.

Raquel: I don't understand.

Delivery Man: Well the last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died.

Raquel: No, I mean I didn't order a pizza and I refuse to pay for it.

Delivery Man: Lady, it's already paid for, house account.

Raquel: [grabbing pizza box] Oh, well in that case...

Delivery Man: [holding out hand] What about my tip?

Raquel: [gives a dime to the delivery man] Here is this enough?

Delivery Man: Oh, sure. In some states I can still make a phone call!

Raquel: [sarcastic mimic] In some states I can still make a phone call.

Looking for Lucky [1.03]

Kate: Maybe we should have called first.

ALF: Well, I had the music pretty loud. I probably wouldn't have heard the phone. [Willie takes off ALF's sunglasses] Uh, I was planning to have the place spotless by the time you got back. [ALF throws his cucumber to the floor]

Kate: When did you expect us back, in April?

Willie: Look. When I left, you said you're going to behave, but this is not behaving, this is mass destruction.

ALF: I don't know what happened. I was sitting here, doing better than my best. I decided to make myself a little snack, the rest is a blur.

Willie: How can one alien be so irresponsible?

ALF: I wasn't irresponsible, I was hungry!

Kate: Did you eat everything in the house?

ALF: No. I don't think so. [he looks for food and pulls out a cookie] Look, here. Who wants a cookie?

Brian: I do.

ALF: [looks at the cookie] I'll split it with you.

Kate: Brian, why don't you go feed Lucky? I hope there's some food left. You didn't eat all the cat food too, did you?

ALF: No way, I draw the line at intestinal byproducts.

ALF: There you go, Luckheimer. Oh, yeah. Who'd ever thought we'd see the day, when they'd trust me to feed you? Right now I'm in the catbird seat; sort of speak. Right now I can get away with murder; sort of speak. Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and slap together a B-L-T. Bacon, Lucky, and tomato. Yeah, I could do that. And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old Alfer. No, they'd probably blame Willie, before they'd blame me. Yep! I could do that. But I won't. And why is that? Because they trust me. But don't get too comfortable.

Pennsylvania 6-5000 [1.04]

Agent Hogarth: ALF called again? What happened to William Tanner?

Agent McNeil: He is still in police custody.

Agent Hogarth: Well, Tanner cannot be two places at once. Any idea who or what ALF is?

Agent McNeil: I found "Alabama Lunatic Fringe" and "American Laundry Federation".

Agent Hogarth: OK, ALF, what is it?

ALF: [over radio] I need to speak to the President.

Agent Hogarth: He is indisposed.

ALF: The bathroom again?

Agent Hogarth: No, Sale of the Century! Well, OK, give me one moment. Please hold. calling the president Sir, there is an ALF who needs to speak with you...Are you sure you want to take this?...Very well...returning to ALF...Go ahead ALF.

President Reagan: Hello?

ALF: Mr. President, I need to speak to you about the bombs.

President Reagan: Please do not mention Bedtime for Bonzo. I was under contract to make that!

Keepin' the Faith [1.05]

ALF: I'm starting to see what this is about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!

Willie: No one thinks you're a parasite.

ALF: Or a freeloader!

Willie: Well, freeloader's closer.

Brian: What about a sponger?

Kate: Where did you hear that?

Brian: Its what you called him last week!

Kate: Let's just settle on parasite.

Willie: We'd like to get back to our meeting

ALF: Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.

Willie: It's about, it's about our family budget.

ALF: What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nusance?

Willie: No ALF, nobody thought . . .

ALF: Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody

Willie: ALF . . .

ALF: Never let anyone get a word in edgewise.

Willie: ALF, you can come to the meeting.

ALF: No thanks.

For Your Eyes Only [1.06]

Help Me, Rhonda [1.07]

[ALF is dreaming in Melmac with his friends]

Skipper: Hey-hey-hey! Stella! So happy birthday, Gordo.

ALF: Thanks, Skipper.

Rick: Hey Gordon. You got a date later?

ALF: Maybe. Maybe not.

Both: He's got a date!

Rhonda: Alright. Who gets the chili cat?

Skipper: Hey, over here, cutie.

Rhonda: Phelonion fries, no gravy.

Rick: Right here!

Rhonda: Whisker omelet, tail on the side.

ALF: Yo!

Rhonda: Happy birthday, big boy!

ALF: Thanks!

Skipper: I think she likes you, big boy!

Rick: She's got legs like a like a Lunar Lander.

Skipper: She is no Rhonda.

ALF: What about Rhonda?

Rick: C'mon! Who are you kidding? That's who you got a date with.

ALF: Alright, I got a date with Rhonda. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue? [1.08]

ALF: I'll bring the camera.

Jump [1.09]

Dean Houseman: This is a dream, Tanner. Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are compared to everyone else.

Willie: I'd never complete the skydiving.

ALF: What do you mean you never complete it? How can you just jump to the middle and then return back?

Baby, You Can Drive My Car [1.10]

Willie: ALF, we're not keeping the car.

Lynn: What?

Brian: Why not, dad?

ALF: Yeah, Willie, how come?

Willie: Because, it's wrong.

ALF: [mimicking] "Because it's wrong." Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!

On the Road Again [1.11]

ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?

Kate: Why?

ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?

Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.

ALF: Rules, rules, rules. Grease fire, grease fire. Never mind the curtains put me out.

Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.

ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.

Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?

ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.

Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?

ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.

Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.

ALF: How, by drowning us?

Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!

Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.

ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!

Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!

ALF: I vote we go home.

Willie: You're not voting in this.

ALF: Call the newspapers!

Oh, Tannerbaum [1.12]

ALF: It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!

Willie: ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not Christmas.

ALF: Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!!!

ALF: Alright. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's ... ah ... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, ... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!

Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen ...

ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey!!!

Brian: No, those are ducks.

ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?

Mother and Child Reunion [1.13]

[Dorothy comes in the kitchen]

ALF: Hi, Grandma!

Dorothy: Oh my god!

ALF: Have a seat.

Dorothy: Who are you? What are you?

ALF: A little background: My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac. I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own. And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine. Cup of java?

A Little Bit of Soap [1.14]

I've Got a New Attitude [1.15]

Willie: [discovering ALF ate the box of chocolates he was going to give to Kate for Valentine's Day] He ate the whole box.

ALF: Whining's not going to bring it back!

Kate: Willie, it's – it's alright. Maybe he, uh – [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.

ALF: Right! I only licked those!

Dorothy: Am I wearing a sign that says kick me?

ALF: No, but that can be arranged. Willie, get the staple gun! Ha!

Dorothy: I am in no mood for you.

ALF: [under his breath] What a coincidence…

Try to Remember [1.16-1.17]

Kate: Hello, Dr. Snegmier? Well listen, well doctor, it seems that a houseguest of ours has come down with amnesia. No, we can't bring him in, isn't there some kinda home remedy we can try . . . breathing into a paperbag.

Lynn: What's he saying?

Kate: Hitting him on the head with a rolling pin. No, I do not think that's funny. No, I do not watch The Three Stooges. Yes, I know I should. Okay, I think we're gonna try the hospital. Yes, I'm sure he has insurance. Thank you, buh-bye.

Brian: Should I get the rolling pin?

Kate: No, we can't do that . . . or at least we shouldn't.

Willie: So isn't it obvious you aren't this Wayne Schlagel?

ALF: The only thing that's obvious are your minds aren't on insurance.

Brenda: Well, listen Buster. If you think I am going to wait around for you forever, you are out of your mind. You ask for a divorce tonight or we are through!

ALF: Okay, okay, I'll ask her for a divorce tonight. . . man, you have a couple drinks and a few laughs, they think its forever.

Willie: This has gone far enough.

ALF: You obviously haven't met Brenda.

Willie: Neither have you.

Lynn: Dad, ALF took a fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.

Willie: Oh no . . . but we don't have a hot tub.

ALF: Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs.

Lynn: Any mail for me?

Kate: Nope

ALF: Any mail for me?

Kate: Yeah . . .all of it. But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.

ALF: Fine, fine, fine. That reminds me. I need you to write out a couple of checks. One to Greenpeace and one to the Auto-club

Lynn: You're a member of the Auto-club?

ALF: I like the magazine.

Kate: Well, I am not writing you anymore checks.

ALF: Well, that's fine, I just got mine. Darn, I ordered sunrise . . .they sent me sunset.

Border Song [1.18]

Willie: What are you playing?

ALF: [playing a video game] Space Invaders.

Willie: What do they do? Live in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your back yard?

ALF: You're in a mood...

Willie: Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in THIS condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]

ALF: Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up your yard and I hit a water main... Don't worry, it wasn't yours.

Wild Thing [1.19]

ALF: Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?

Willie: In the shower.

ALF: Oh good! [exits room]

Lynn: He wouldn't.

Willie: He might!

Kate: [from the shower] AHHHH! ALF!

ALF: [walks into room] I found her!

Willie: ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.

ALF: I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.

Willie: I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.

ALF: All right, all right. We're movin' on.

Willie: If you're really Brian, what's your favorite food?

Brian: Spaghetti.

Willie: That's ridiculous.

Kate: No, that is his favorite food.

Willie: I thought it was Lynn who likes spaghetti.

Kate: No, no

[Lynn walks in]

Willie: What's your favorite food?

Lynn: I don't know! White boiled potatoes.

Willie: I thought you liked spaghetti.

Lynn: It's alright.

Willie: Alright?

Lynn: It's fine!

Going Out of My Head Over You [1.20]

[Willie sees ALF is wearing a box on his head when he's sleeping and he beeps]

Willie: What are you doing?

ALF: Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.

Willie: Well, since when do you sleep standing up?

ALF: Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.

Willie: You look ridiculous.

ALF: Well, not everyone sleeps like you. Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.

Willie: How do you know how I look when I sleep?

ALF: I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.

Willie: I don't like you doing that.

ALF: Well, hey, you were watching me.

Willie: I couldn't sleep. I came out to get a glass of milk. I heard you-- [he steps on a tack] Aahh!

ALF: Oh, good, it works.

Willie: ALF, there are tacks on the floor.

ALF: It's my alarm system. In case a burglar shows up. Getting one of your headaches, again? You know what's good for that? Jogging. I've been doing a lot of it lately.

Willie: I don't think jogging is the answer. You've been jogging?

ALF: Yeah. You can really see the definition in my thigh muscles.

Willie: You actually go outside, in the street where people can see you?

ALF: I jog at night and I wear a dark headband.

Willie: Um, uh, I'm going to go back to bed and drool. [yells and steps on a tack as he leaves] Aahh!

[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]

Willie: Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!

ALF: No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!

Willie: [burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!

ALF: I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know - let's conjugate verbs!

Willie: No, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]

ALF: Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!

Willie: All right, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?

ALF: Sorry. Household rule # 856, subsection D, paragraph e : We do not eat the cat!

Willie: Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like-I like anarchy!

ALF: Well, I'm against anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!

Lookin' Through the Windows [1.21]

[ALF is watching the Ochmoneks fight from the window]

ALF: Hey, pull up a chair, Willie. You're missing a good one.

Willie: What are you doing?

ALF: Watching the Ochmoneks' fight. Trevor's ahead on points.

Willie: You're not to watch people through their windows. Find something else to do.

ALF: Willie, there's a power blackout. There's no tv, no video games. I can't play blink the lights.

Willie: We're all suffering, ALF. Why don't you go out in the backyard and play?

ALF: In this heat?

Willie: You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.

ALF: Well, I could.

Willie: Say, why are you wearing my t-shirt?

ALF: This is what people wear when they swelter. I saw it in Streetcar.

Willie: I don't like you taking my clothes and I don't like you using my opera glasses to spy on the neighbors.

ALF: Boy, you get irritable when it's hot. Remind me to never take you to Mercury.

Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?

ALF: It was an atomic bomb.

Willie: It was a pool heather.

ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.

Kate: Yes, they do.

ALF: They do? Can we go over?

Trevor: Yeah, keep your shirt on Tanner. Hey Officer, while you're here. Their's a guy named Littwak who lives just down the street and I think he's building an a-bomb in his basement.

It Isn't Easy ... Bein' Green [1.22]

Spencer: Asparaus, Asparagus!

Brian: Put it on your table!

Spencer: Asparagus, Asparagus!

Brian: Will make you feel Aunt Mable!

Spencer: Oh, I can't work with him.

Brian: Your name's really Gordon?

ALF: Yeah, Gordon.

Brian: That's funny.

ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?

The Gambler [1.23]

ALF: Kate, quick question.

Kate: Yeah.

ALF: Hypothetical situation. An individual places a bet with a professional bookie for a sizeable amount of money . . . say $6000. And he loses and he cannot cover his losses. Hypothetically, what could happen to this individual?

Kate: Well, hypothetically he could have his legs broken, why do you ask?

ALF: Just making conversation.

Kate: Mom, since when do you bet on horses?

Dorothy: All my life.

Kate: That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.

ALF: I can picture her running!

Dorothy: I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.

ALF: About 2 hours.

Weird Science [1.24]

[Brian comes home from school, angry]

ALF: Hey, B, how was school today?

Brian: I failed my science project.

ALF: You should've added Alvin and Dave.

Brian: I did.

ALF: And you still failed?

Brian: That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you, but all my friends laughed at me.

ALF: They did?

Brian: My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival. It's all your fault.

ALF: My fault?

Brian: You lied to me. There aren't really 11 planets, are there?

ALF: Yes, there are. Brian, you're teacher's the one that needs an education.

[Willie is fixing the TV at home]

ALF: Where is everybody?

Willie: They've gone to the movies.

ALF: Why didn't you go?

Willie: I'm fixing the TV.

ALF: Now?

Willie: Yes. I'm going out a little later, and it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.

ALF: Are you referring to that chemical spill?

Willie: Chemical spill? What chemical spill?

ALF: Nothing. Willie, how about a game of Trivial Pursuit? I promise not to pick any science questions.

Willie: No, thanks.

ALF: I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.

Willie: Well Mr. Smarty...

ALF: It's Mr. Science.

Willie: For your information, I've located the problem: there's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.

ALF: Hey, you want power?

Willie: That would help.

ALF: Your call. [TV explosion] Willie, it was an accident.

Willie: AN ACCIDENT? AN ACCIDENT? YOU ALMOST KILLED ME? AND YOU SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?

ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake! [doorbell rings] You want to get that, that's probably "Consumer Ed."

Willie: You called him Consumer Ed after I asked you not to?

ALF: You didn't say not too. You need to be more specific.

Willie: I hope it is Consumer Ed, because I'm turning you in to him! Won't that be an interesting story for the 6:00 news!

ALF: Yeah, I think I left the oven on. [ALF leaves to go to the kitchen]

La Cucharacha [1.25]

Trevor: I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?

Willie: Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.

Trevor: Ah, yeah, cockroaches. "blattella germanica", our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over three hundred million years old.

Willie: That's nice, Trevor.

Trevor: I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. You took a step, it was like walking on crackers.

Willie: How did you kill it?

ALF: Cheap cologne.

Willie: That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.

ALF: You had roach problems then, too?

Willie: How did you know to use this?

ALF: Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches...

Willie: ALF.

ALF: I lucked out. Alright?

Come Fly with Me [1.26]

Kate: Willie, big news, the Alfer's won a contest.

Willie: Yeah, oh, let's see. You won a copy of Cat Lovers Monthly?

ALF: Yeah, kinda a let down, no recipes.

Willie: How did you win this?

ALF: I entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing. I licked all those magazine stamps, and stuck them on my entry.

Willie: You sent in all those stamps?

ALF: Well, all except redbook. It's still stuck to the roof of my mouth.

Willie: Just how many magazines did you win?

ALF: Check the front porch.

[Willie opens the door]

ALF: Oops.

Willie: ALF! You didn't win a contest, you subscribed to hundreds of magazines!

ALF: Oh, well, that explains this personal thank-you note from Ed McMahon.

Willie: The hotel is great, I keep looking for the catch.

Bill: Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.

Willie: I was expecting you.

Bill: No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry.

Willie: Good

Bill: Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home!