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The Mentalist (2008–2015) is an American crime procedural television series, airing on CBS, about a private investigator who uses his skills of observation to help the police solve crimes.

Red Sky At Night [3.01]

Jane parks his car next to the crime scene.

Police officer: You can't park there.

Jane: Sure I can. [points to his car] Look.

Lisbon: The brass and media are going to be all over this like suckerfish.

Jane: Well why don't we just give it to the FBI? They love that stuff.

Lisbon: Oh, I wish. It's too late. The new boss is here doing on-cameras. It's our baby.

Jane: The new boss? I thought Hightower was boss.

Lisbon: The boss of Hightower? The director of the entire division. I told you about it last week. Your memory's going.

Jane: My memory is a mighty fortress, Lisbon, from which no fact ever escapes once committed. Now when you tell me boring things, I set them free immediately. It saves overcrowding.

Giselle Dublin: [under tears] Why am I being punished? I'm a good person.

Cho: Yes, Ma'am.

Giselle Dublin: Stop calling me Ma'am. I'm not your grandmother. How old do you think I am anyway?

Cho: [shrugs] 48, 49.

Giselle Dublin starts sobbing and crying all over again.

Jane: You just put your hand on me.

Drew Yost: No. I mean, yes, but --

Jane: Yes. Don't ever do that again.

Yost: Or else what?

Jane: [leans in close] You ever smell a dead mouse? Remember that smell?

Yost: Yes.

Jane: Well, I just now put a dead mouse in your jacket pocket, and no matter how many times you clean that jacket you will always smell that dead mouse, and you will remember that you should never have put your hand on me.

Yost: [feels jacket pocket and immediately removes the jacket] You son of a bitch.

Jane: It's actually just a wadded up napkin, but it has the same psychological effect. The human mind is funny that way.

Jane: Really, I'm impressed. You played me like a fish and you lied to me.

Lisbon: I kind of did, didn't I?

Jane: I'm glad to see you're learning a few things. Of course, now I shall have my revenge.

Lisbon: What did you tell her?

Jane: I was complimenting her on her jacket. It's a vivid color.

Lisbon: Liar.

Jane: You're going to call me a liar?

Lisbon: Oh, I hate you. I do.

Lisbon: You're isolating yourself. You're pulling away from us, from me and the team. You are. You are and it's not good. What's going on?

Jane: Anybody that gets close to me, bad things happen to them.

Lisbon: A: That's not true, and B: Even if that were true, I'm a cop. It's our job to be in harm's way.

Jane: You're not listening to me.

Lisbon: We're family. What you're doing is a kind of betrayal, a surrender, a defeat. You're letting Red John win.

Jane: Oh, please. Please. Really? Okay, enough. No more pulling away. Give me a hug.

Lisbon: You don't mean it. I can tell.

Jane: What do you mean you can tell. You can't tell. I don't mean it, but you can't tell that I don't. You're guessing!

Lisbon: Yes, I can tell.

Jane: How?

Lisbon: I don't know. I can tell when you're lying now.

Jane: No you can't tell!

Lisbon: I can too!

Jane: That's nonsense. You're lying. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Cackle-Bladder Blood [3.02]

Lisbon: I didn't know your wife was from this world, too.

Jane: Oh yeah. Her grandparents are carnie royalty. They ran big metal: Ferris wheels, ghost trains. They ran them all across the midwest. My wife, she didn't want to have any part of it.

Lisbon: Why?

Jane: Carnies are good people, but you're either with the show or you're not. There's nowhere in the middle, and if you're not with the show, you're a mark. You're a sucker. She didn't like that.

Lisbon: [knocks] Jane! It's me.

Jane: [opens a side door, surprising Lisbon] Hey, Lisbon. Excellent work finding us.

Lisbon: I am very unhappy with you. Is he in there?

Jane: Yep.

Lisbon: Bring him out. No funny business or I will shoot to kill.

Jane: You're very persuasive. We'll be right out.

Danny: So, this is it, huh? [remarking on his sister and niece, along with Jane's wife and daughter's graves] They'd like it, I guess, if they had a preference.

Jane: You know this is the first time I've been here since the funeral?

Danny: Why's that?

Jane: Because they're no here.

Danny: Hey, who knows for sure? Maybe they're up there right now looking down at us. Annie's saying, lighten up, you dummies.

Jane: Yeah, maybe.

Danny: Yeesh. I'm sorry I asked to come. Who would have known a trip to the cemetery would be such a downer.

Jane: It's all right. It's irrational. No reason to be sad. Are you going to give them those flowers or what?

Danny: Guilt is for marks. You know that right?

Jane: [looks away as his eyes fill with tears] Yeah.

The Blood On His Hands [3.03]

Van Pelt: I lied this morning. I do care that you're seeing someone else. It hurts a little. I mean, it's no biggie. I'll get over it. I want us to be friends. We can get to that point, right? Can't we be just friends?

Rigsby: Yeah, sure we can.

Van Pelt: Good. I'd like that.

The Red Carpet Treatment [3.04]

Cho: [looking over a ransacked motel room] Someone was looking for something.

Rigsby: Thank you, captain obvious.

Cho: Three hours of brooding silence and then sarcasm. It's like we're married.

Lisbon: We're with the CBI. What's going on here?

Deputy: [motions to couple on underside of a bridge] They were up there when we arrived. Gotta tell you, it looks like an attempted assault. He's going to reach her soon. We're going to have to shoot to stop him.

Jane: If you shoot him you'll have two victims. She just went up there to see about jumping. He's trying to save her. Can I use that? [takes bull horn from deputy] Uh, Betsy? If you're going to jump, make sure to dive. Head first.

Deputy: Hey!

Lisbon: Jane.

Jane: From that height you'll just shatter bones and suffer massive internal injuries. Make sure you dive. Head first.

Jane: Was it worth it?

Max Winter: Was what worth it?

Jane: The man that killed your wife no longer exists. The time you took pursuing him, the pain, the sacrifice, was it worth it?

Max Winter: Yes, it was.

Jane: Thank you.

The Red Ponies [3.05]

Jane: Why does horse manure smell so good?

Lisbon: It doesn't.

Pink Chanel Suit [3.06]

Jane: Judge Fitzwilliam will change her tune once I reveal her daughter's killer, won't she?

Hightower: I don't imagine she will. When are you planning on doing that?

Jane: This very evening.

Hightower: This very night?

Jane: But you have to trust me.

Lisbon: Right, and what if you're wrong again?

Jane: Well, if I'm wrong then we're in deep trouble, but what are the chances, really, of me being wrong twice in a row. Think about that one. Of course, if either of you have a better idea how to find Abby's body and catch her killer, please: these are not taxi doors, they're ears.

Tubbs: A lot of people today don't know who the heck they are. A man without knowledge of his roots is like a cabbage in this society.

[Lisbon and Jane hiding in a kitchen]

Jane: [whispers] This isn't going to work unless you're quiet.

Lisbon: [whispers] I can't keep quiet. My legs are asleep. [squirms]

Jane: What do you mean your legs are asleep? Legs don't sleep. That's absurd. Don't say that.

Hightower: Hey. So, I just talked to Judge Fitzwilliam.

Jane: And?

Hightower: And she says if you will apologize for the cavalier method in which you disrupted her mother's burial she will not pursue disciplinary action against you, Lisbon or myself.

Jane: Hmm. Tell her Jane says she is a self righteous embittered, old bat and she should thank me.

Hightower: Oh God, Jane, please.

Judge Fitzwilliam: [surprising both Hightower and Jane] You're right, Mr. Jane. I came here for an apology, but I realize now I was wrong to stand on my dignity. I am embittered, and your arrogant, callous, juvenile behavior did reveal the truth after all, so thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening to you.

Jane: Sorry.

Red Hot [3.07]

Patrick Jane: Hello Lisbon. What a great day to not be blown up.

Teresa Lisbon: Give it up now.

Patrick Jane: What?

Teresa Lisbon: What you took from Bajoran's house.

[Jane looks blankly at Lisbon]

Teresa Lisbon: The toupee, Jane, the housekeeper called.

Patrick Jane: Oh.

[Jane throws Lisbon the toupee]

Teresa Lisbon: That's just gross! Why would you take it?

Patrick Jane: Evidence.

Teresa Lisbon: Of what?

Patrick Jane: Bad taste.

[Jane just guessed something about Mashburn.]

Walter Mashburn: I do! How do you know?

Patrick Jane: Pupil dilation.

Teresa Lisbon: Pupil dilation?!

Patrick Jane: Yes. When someone see something that they want, their pupils dilate.

Walter Mashburn: Pupil dilation... [stares at Lisbon] It's fantastic!

Patrick Jane: [glances at Mashburn's eyes, then at Lisbon's] Yes, it is. [Lisbon smiles]

Teresa Lisbon: What about you, Walter? Last year you said you'd do anything for a thrill.

Walter Mashburn: What do you have in mind?

[Shots are fired at them]

Teresa Lisbon: Get down!

Patrick Jane: Thrilling enough for you, Walter?

Walter Mashburn: But if it was him, wouldn't he have hired better assassins?

Teresa Lisbon: Okay, is there anybody else who might want to kill you?

Walter Mashburn: I have lots of enemies, Teresa. You know, you'd be surprised to hear this, but some people find me annoying.

Patrick Jane: Ladies and gentlemen, quick announcement: I'd like you to give a very warm welcome to Walter's new girlfriend, number one - Teresa Lisbon.

Walter Mashburn: So my friends say because you saved me that means you own me.

Teresa Lisbon: They have a return policy?

Walter Mashburn: I upset you?

Teresa Lisbon: Upset me? No. Irritate me a litte? Maybe.

Walter Mashburn: Why?

Teresa Lisbon: You're egotistical. You're arrogant. You're entitled and rich.

Walter Mashburn: When do you get to the bad stuff?

Walter Mashburn: Can't believe I'm a one night stand for Dirty Harry.

Teresa Lisbon: Yeah, well, I'd leave you cab fare, but you've probably got that covered.

Ball of Fire [3.08]

Hightower: Teresa, not saying something doesn't mean that something isn't happening.

Lisbon: You're looking a little creaky.

Jane: Yeah, a cattle prod will do that to you.

Lisbon: The doctor says there's no lasting effects.

Jane: Well, that doctor should try it himself sometime. [watches as Lisbon smiles] That was a big smile.

Lisbon: Of course I'm glad you're back. I'm also glad we solved one without you.

Jane: You were kidnapped and delivered to me. That counts as solving one?

Lisbon: Hightower and the team found us.

Jane: But if I hadn't held off Rachel, they would have found us dead in a burned out house.

Lisbon: Oh, you held off Rachel?

Jane: Yes.

Lisbon: Where's my apple?

Jane: Your what?

Lisbon: My apple. I asked you to get me an apple.

Jane: I come through the valley of death and all you can think about is your stomach. A piece of fruit.

Lisbon: That's right.

Jane: An apple.

Lisbon: Yes.

Jane: That's just plain selfish.

Lisbon: Selfish. Me: selfish.

Jane: Yes, it is. You're on my couch. I'm trying to have a cup of tea. Have you finished? You called me creaky. I've been cattle prodded all week. I just want to have a rest and a cup of tea and a little sleep.

Lisbon: [sigh] Oh, I wish I had a cattle prod.

Red Moon [3.09]

Todd: Rest assured, I won't be pulling any vigilante nonsense.

Lisbon: I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you see it that way. There's no upside to taking the law into your own hands. Revenge truly doesn't work.

Jane: Well that's just a sweeping statement, isn't it? I'm sure we can all think of examples where revenge has worked splendidly.

Lisbon: Thanks for your input.

Jane: Just saying.

Lisbon: Examples where revenge worked splendidly. Nice.

Jane: I was just teasing. A little hypocritical to lecture him on revenge, don't you think?

Lisbon: How's that?

Jane: Uh, all these years you've been helping me seek revenge?

Lisbon: Well that's different.

Jane: How's that?

Lisbon: I'm in control of the situation.

Jane: Oh, really.

Jolly Red Elf [3.10]

Lisbon: [activates an automatic dancing toy Santa] I can't believe people buy this crap.

Jane: I sense a Christmas speech coming on.

Lisbon: No, I just think people can celebrate a holy day without lying to children about a magical fat guy with a sack full of toys.

Jane: So you took the whole Santa revelation badly, huh?

Lisbon: It crushed my heart like a cigarette.

Jane: That explains why you're still looking for magic in your life.

Lisbon: LaRoche is looking for you.

Jane: Well, tell him I wish him luck.

May: Any time anything cuts you off from experiencing your life, it's unhealthy. Right?

Jane: Wouldn't know.

Minelli: Listen, ahh, I'd, ahh, I'd like to convey my gratitude--

Jane: Easy, cowboy. You just met her.

Bloodsport [3.11]

Jane: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Bloodhounds [3.12]

Jane: A decision science consultant?

Lisbon: Don't start. This is way above us. If we're good to the feds, the feds will be good to us. When in doubt, don't act out.

Jane: You just made a rhyme. When are we ever in doubt?

Lisbon: Seriously, you start trouble and I will --

Jane: Burst my bubble?

Red Alert [3.13]

Chief Dale: Agent, I'm not opposed to extending a professional courtesy, but your man ignored a reasonable request from my officer and fled.

Lisbon: And he will pay the ticket.

Jane: Nah. Speed traps: legalized extortion. If you want people to slow down, park out in the open where they can see you, but no. You lay in wait like thieves in the night.

Lisbon: He will pay the ticket today.

Jane: I'm not going to pay it.

Lisbon: Jane.

Jane: I'm not going to pay it!

Lisbon: Stop. Stop!

Jane: [to the chief] Extortionists.

Blood For Blood [3.14]

Red Gold [3.15]

Jane: Ah. Yes. Jeff, what did your dad stop doing recently?

Jeff: Uh...Washing himself?

[Hightower just shot Puttock]

Jane: Is he dead?

Hightower: Yes.

Jane: You know, I should applaud your bravery but I gotta say...practically speaking, what were you thinking? You could have killed me.

Hightower: I'm sorry. I got mad. I didn't know what I was thinking.

Jane: That was some good shooting though. That leg shot that took him down was very precise.

Hightower: [smirks]: I was aiming for his head.

Jane: Oh, fantastic.

Red Queen [3.16]

LaRoche: [answers the door] Jane.

Jane: LaRoche, you have a house and a fluffy white dog. Are those Hummel figurines?

LaRoche: Yeah. You find that amusing?

Jane: I just didn't picture you living in an actual house.

LaRoche: Where did you think I live?

Jane: In a burrow on a riverbank or something like that.

Jane: I'm better off alone.

Hightower: Nobody is better off alone.

Bloodstream [3.17]

Francine Trent: Are you the CBI agents?

Jane: Yes. She does the detecting and I do the insulting.

Lisbon: Consulting.

Jane: That too.

Jane: This impact label was marking his shots. And in this particular case the 'X' doesn't mark the spot. His shots were are more to the front of the club.

Lisbon: What does that mean?

Jane: Well it means he was...

La Roche interrupts

La Roche: Slicing them, coming across the face. Happens when you're feeling stressed. Lisbon may I speak with you?

Lisbon smiles.

Lisbon: We really need to get you a bell.

The Red Mile [3.18]

Lisbon: Dr. Steiner.

Dr. Steiner: Agent Lisbon. It's not as bad as it looks.

Lisbon: Go get yourself checked out and then come talk to us.

Dr. Steiner: Jane, was this you? Another trick?

Lisbon: Jane had nothing to do with this. Nothing at all. You didn't, did you?

Jane: Of course not.

Lisbon: You swear on your life?

Jane: On your life, even.

Lisbon: [kicks the couch] Wake up. Newsome Kirk posted bail. He's going to be gone in an hour.

Jane: Just in time for the 6:10 to Alpha Centauri.

Lisbon: He was right about Harley's psychiatrist. She did propose a book, but she withdrew it, so she had motive.

Jane: Kind of.

Lisbon: Who do you think did it?

Jane: Jabba the Hutt.

Lisbon: Seriously.

Jane: Ming the Merciless.

Lisbon: Okay.

Jane: ALF?

Lisbon: When the aliens do come, I hope they eat you.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn [3.19]

Erica Flynn: What do you want from your life?

Jane: I want my life to be free.

Erica: Free how? To love? To be loved?

Jane: Free from my past.

Jane: I'm looking for someone who, uh -- someone I can trust. Someone strong. Someone at peace with themselves. Someone better than me. Someone who knows the worst side of me and still loves me.

Erica: Sounds like an amazing woman.

Jane: She was.

Redacted [3.20]

Like A Redheaded Stepchild [3.21]

Jane: Memory is unreliable because the untrained brain has a crappy filing system. It takes everything that happens to you and throws it all whilly-nilly into a big, dark closet. When you go in there looking for something all you can find are the big obvious things, like when your mom died or stuff you don't really need. Stuff that you're not looking for, like the words to Copacabana. You can't find what you need, but don't panic because it is still there.

Jane: I get it. I've been down. Snitches get stitches.

Nick Monaco: See now, that's a popular misconception. The stitches are for live people.

Jane: Got it.

Rigsby: Wait, there's one more thing: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be at your wedding.

Van Pelt: Oh? [she sighs] That's too bad. You have something else planned for that day?

Rigsby: No, you see the problem is: I'm still in love with you.

Van Pelt: You can't --

Rigsby: Hold on. I'm not trying to win you back. You're marrying a good man. That's not gonna change. But neither am I. This whole thing where we pretend we're just friends, it doesn't work. I don't know what will work. But I know one thing: I can't watch you marry another man. You have a good day and a good life.

Rhapsody In Red [3.22]

Jane: [holds out a flower] For you.

Lisbon: Does it squirt water?

Jane: No. It's no trick. Maybe just a little trick to catch the killer.

Lisbon: With a hydrangea?

Jane: Yeah.

Lisbon: How?

Jane: Well wouldn't that be spoiling the fun?

Lisbon: For you. Spoiling the fun for you.

Jane: That's the fun that matters.

Strawberries & Cream Part I [3.23]

Jane: [walks into Lisbon's office to see her trying on a bridesmaid dress] Hey, Lisbon. Any word on that list yet?

Lisbon: Geez, Jane! Do you mind knocking?

Jane: Whoa. My, my.

Lisbon: Van Pelt must die.

Jane: No, no, no. You look good. This is beautiful, like a princess. An angry little princess. Someone stole your tiara.

Lisbon: She caught me by surprise when she asked me, otherwise I never would have agreed to be a bridesmaid. Any why would she even ask me to do this? She knows I hate this crap!

Jane: I told her to ask you. I told her that you secretly wanted to be a bridesmaid.

Lisbon: Really. Why would you do that?

Jane: Oh, for the fun, and because deep down you secretly really do want to be a bridesmaid. Go ahead. Confess.

Strawberries & Cream Part II [3.24]

LaRoche: You're a fascinating man, Patrick. Who knows what you might have achieved in this world, were you not quite so damaged.

Jane: Why are you telling me all of this?

Timothy Carter: Well, I think we have a connection that needs to be honored. I want to say goodbye. I want to apologize for any pain I might have caused you, and I want to release you from this curse you're been under.

Jane: I'm not under a curse.

Carter: Doomed to an endless angry search for vengeance you will never have? I would call that a curse, don't you?

Jane: I look at it as more of a hobby, and I will have that vengeance.

Carter: Vengeance? On what? Look at me. I'm just a regular guy. You thought I'd have horns, huh? Right? I'm not a monster. I'm not the devil. I'm just another human being with flaws, and vices and problems just like anybody else. Forget about me. I'm not worth ruining your life.

Jane: Wherever you go, you delusional freak, I will find you and I will kill you, and then, then I will forget about you.