Muppet Treasure Island is a 1996 American musical film based on Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. It is the fifth feature film to star The Muppets and was directed by Jim Henson's son Brian Henson.

written by Karey Kirkpatrick. Based on the book by Robert Stevenson.

Set sail for Muppet mayhem! (taglines)

Jim

  • The bar's closed.
  • There's no one here, and I'm not a girl!
  • Wherever the wind may take us!

Long John Silver

  • When you're a professional pirate...
  • Sing it, lads! Show 'em you've been practicing!
  • Upstage lads, this is my only number!

Billy Bones

  • [to Gonzo] It ain't no jokin' matter, hose-nose!
  • ENOUGH OF THIS SINGIN'! RUM! I NEED RUM, LADS! I GOT THE HORRORS! GIVE ME RUM! RUM TILL I FLOAT!
  • THE BLACK SPOT! [shrieks]
  • Jim-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!
  • Beware, lads, beware!
  • Beware running with scissors, or any other pointy object! It's all in good fun until somebody loses an eye!

Gonzo the Great

  • One leg, Jim. Count 'em, one. Remember what Billy Bones said...
  • Off to Zanzibar, to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Rizzo the Rat

  • Here they go again.
  • He DIED? And this is supposed to be a kids movie!

Dialogue

Billy Bones: (opening lines) I was Flint's first mate on that voyage, three days east of Tortuga, in the Caribbean. Flint knew an island. That's where we buried the treasure. Gold and blood – they were Flint's trademarks. He'd leave both behind him, that day.
Blind Pew: Aha, Billy Bones! It's me, Blind Pew! I know you're here, Billy. Ya sniveling coward!
Rizzo: It's some kind of blind fiend!
[Billy Bones is gesturing frantically for them to be quiet]
Gonzo: I believe they prefer 'visually challenged fiend'.
Blind Pew: I heard that! There's someone here! No? Over here? Ah, over here! (clutches a moose head) Aha, Billy Bones! I'd know that scurvy mug of yours anywhere.
Jim Hawkins: Excuse me, sir, but the bar's closed--
Blind Pew: (grabs Jim) Ah! Mmm. Aha, a pretty little girl is it? Yes. Take me to Billy Bones, my pet.
Jim Hawkins: (Bones slowly raises his pistol) You've come to the wrong place. There's no Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl.
Blind Pew: Oh, I may be visually challenged, but I can see you're lying! (Bones cocks his pistol. Blind Pew promptly turns his head to the sound and then spins quickly to Bones, knocking his arm aside, causing the pistol to fire away from Blind Pew) Good evening, Bill. I know it's you. Yes, you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Just take it all for yourself, and leave your shipmates with nothing. We're not pleased with that, Bill, not at all. We want you... to have this! (He gives Billy Bones the Black Spot)
Billy Bones: [grabbing Gonzo by the nose] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! Ya always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones...
Gonzo: But I'm not "Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim"! He's "Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim"!
Billy Bones: [grabbing Jim by the collar] Jim!
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain?
Billy Bones: Jim-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim...
Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain, what is it?!
Billy Bones: Take the map!
Jim Hawkins: What map?
Billy Bones: The map to old Flint's treasure! Don't ya understand what I've been tellin' ya?! I was Flinty's first mate! We all were, Blind Pew and me! Ah, me old shipmates - they'll gully me for sure, and anybody else to get their mitts on that map!
Rizzo: And gullying hurts, right?
Billy Bones: Oh, aye! A LOT!
Jim Hawkins: It is a treasure map!
Gonzo: [with dollar signs in his eyes] We're gonna be rich...
Rizzo: [with crosses in his eyes] We're gonna be dead...
Billy Bones: Beware lads! Beware!
Jim Hawkins: What, the one-legged man?
Billy Bones: Aye. But also, beware runnin' with scissors or any other pointy objects. It's all good fun, 'til somebody loses an-- AAAAAAGH! [dies]
Jim Hawkins: Captain?!
Gonzo: [gulps]
Rizzo: We're standing in a room with a dead guy!
[Jim, Gonzo and Rizzo all scream and flee the room]
Mr. Arrow: Roll call! [reads from list] Long John Silver?
Long John Silver: Aye aye, sir!
Mr. Arrow: Short Stack Stevens?
Short Stack Stevens: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: One-Eyed Jack?
One-Eyed Jack: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Black-Eyed Pea?
Black-Eyed Pea: Here.
Mr. Arrow: Walleyed Pike!
Walleyed Pike: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Polly Lobster!
[Polly squawks and whistles]
Mr. Arrow: Mad Monty!
Mad Monte: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Sweetums!
Sweetums: [from behind them] AYE.
[the captain and Mr. Arrow jump]
Mr. Arrow: ...Old Tom.
Old Tom: Aye aye.
Mr. Arrow: Real Old Tom.
[puppet controls Real Old Tom]
Real Old Tom: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: Dead Tom.
[same puppet controls a skeleton]
Dead Tom: Aye aye!!
[Captain Smollett shudders]
Gonzo: Cool!
Mr. Arrow: ...Clueless Morgan!
Clueless Morgan: Huh?
Mr. Arrow: Headless Bill! ...Headless Bill! [everyone's looking around; they spot a headless puppet saluting; officers stand aghast for a moment] Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brien?
Woman: [deep voice] Aye.
[officers jaws drop; they recover]
Mr. Arrow: Angel Marie.
Angel Marie: [an ugly creature] Aye. Aye.
Captain Smollett: Hmm... hmm... Gentlemen, may I see you in my cabin? Immediately?
Captain Smollett: WHO HIRED THIS CREW?! This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I've ever seen, SO WHO HIRED 'EM?! [pants] [Jim and officers point at Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger] Your finger hired the crew?
Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who lives in my finger hired the crew - Mr. Bimble. What? Ah. He relied heavily on the advice of our excellent cook, Long John Silver.
[Smollett slumps back in his chair]
Captain Smollett: Our cook, and a guy who lives in a bear's finger?
Trelawney: Exactly!
[Mr. Arrow faceplams]
Captain Smollett: I'm starting to worry about this voyage.
Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.
Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship!
Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience!
Mudwell the Mudbunny: [sobbing] Dead Tom's dead. Long John shot him!
Walleyed Pike: But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.
Mudwell the Mudbunny: Oh.
[Mudwell tosses the Dead Tom puppet aside. Silver rolls his eyes.]
Zoot: Hey, man. I can't figure out what side we're on. Are we with the pirates or the frog captain?
Floyd: Oh, hey, man. Just play the gig. Never get involved with politics.
Animal: Politics! Politics!
Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by the crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?
Benjamina Gunn: Of all the backwater, no-class piles of sand in the ocean, you had to wash up on mine.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Benjamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
Benjamina Gunn: Sorry? No, "sorry" doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the altar!
Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet! My mother came all the way from France. I was wearing her white lace dress. The cake was filled with lemon custard!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Mina? Fate has brought us together again. Well, actually, buried treasure and pirates brought us together--
Benjamina Gunn: Don't you start with me about pirates! After you jilted me, I took up with this Bernie Flint. The man was totally co-dependent!
Captain Abraham Smollett: You and Captain Flint...?
Benjamina Gunn: Well, he was a pirate, I was a lady. You know the story. Smolley? He marooned me! MEEEEEE! (Starts sobbing)
Captain Abraham Smollett: Oh, this is all my fault! What have I done to you?
Benjamina Gunn: All right. No More Ms. Nice Guy. No one maroons me and gets away with it!
(Smollet is sword fighting Silver, and has been able to cut off parts of his clothing during it; Smollet contently swings his sword while casually humming)
Long John Silver: Excuse me!
Captain Smollet: Pardon? [Distracted, he loses his sword] Uh...I'm a frog. You know, slippery hands? [Silver gives an evil grin and points his sword at Smollet's throat] Erm... Y'know, I never really believed violence solved anything.
Long John Silver: Oh, really? Allow me to disagree with you, Captain.
Jim Hawkins: (appears with sword) Kill Catain Smollet and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: (also appears) Kill Jim and you'll have to kill me.
Trelawney: (also appears) Kill Gonzo and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: (also appears) Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.
(Jim catches Silver escaping in the lifeboat)
Jim Hawkins: Silver!
Long John Silver: I suppose you'll be blowing the whistle on me now, won't you, Jim?
Jim Hawkins: I suppose I will. You have to return to Bristol to stand trial. (raises his whistle)
Long John Silver: Oh, I'm sorry, Jim. (aims his pistol at him) I got a terrible fear of hanging. We're shipmates, aren't we,Jim? Gentlemen of fortune, together. Give us one more chance? (Jim does not drop his whistle, Silver lowers his pistol) Oh, hell,Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.
Jim Hawkins: I learnt it from my friends, Mr Silver. Now take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again, ever.
Long John Silver: Oh, Jim! (he throws Jim his compass and rows off) 'Tis a shame, really. We'd have made a great team, Jim.
Long John Silver: Touching reunion, Benjamina. This seems to be your day for renewing old... acquaintances.
Benjamina Gunn: Oh! Well... hello, Looooong John.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Oh, no! Him too?
Benjamina Gunn: Well, if you'd married me...!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Well, what does that have to do with it?
Benjamina Gunn: I'm a pig! I need commitment!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Commitment?
[They start bickering]
Benjamina Gunn: You know, I'm beginning to see a pattern in the men I date.

Cast

Live-action actors

Muppet performers

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