Rebirth

[The Hypnotoad is shown on screen.]

Bender: [Voice over.] On the count of three, you will awaken feeling refreshed, as if Futurama had never been cancelled by idiots and then brought back by bigger idiots. One... two... [Snaps fingers.]

Fry: Well, why is... those things?

Prof. Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember?

Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead.

Zapp Brannigan: Fire all weapons and set a transmission frequency for my victory yodel.

Hermes: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!

Prof. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel

Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now.

Prof. Farnsworth: Yet thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I surblibed with only tirbial brain dablige.

Professor Farnsworth: Prepare for rebirth! [Pulls down a big switch and gets shocked by lightning. He then pulls the switch back up] Wrong switch. [walks over to a light switch and turns it on]

Fry: Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?

Professor Farnsworth: In your time, yes, but nowadays— shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stem cells.

Bender: Who are you, my warranty?

Fry: My soul mate is gone. Why should I go on living?

Bender: Because the pain slowly fades but the love is forever.

Bender: Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma chameleon!

[At a dance studio a dance-party is interrupted by Bender; in a white dancing suit partying to work off his excess energy]

Bender: Yeah! Do the Bender! Do the Bender!

Guy in crowd: [Uninterestedly] No thank you.

Bender: [Threateningly] I SAID "DO IT!!!!!"

[Guy in crowd backs up from Bender in fear]

Leela Leela: There's no room for two captain's butts in this chair!

Robot Leela: There would be if you'd have taken a spin class instead of lounging around in a coma!

In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela

Fry: Does anybody else feel jealous and aroused and worried?

Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

Zoidberg: Who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere?

Zapp Brannigan: My god, we're defenceless. Like fish in a barrel.

Richard Nixon's Head: Options?

Zapp Brannigan: My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish.

Leela: This is it. The moment we should have trained for.

Zapp Brannigan: Mr. President, what the hell?

Prof. Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this V-GINY.

Zapp Brannigan: I surrender and volunteer for treason!

Zapp Brannigan: V-GINY? Doesn't ring a bell.

Fry: Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?

Prof. Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all.

[Farnsworth puts up a projection of planets destroyed by the death sphere.]

Prof. Farnsworth: Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came X3, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter.

[A planet labelled "#!@€$!#%&" comes on screen.]

Prof. Farnsworth: And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.

Fry: You mean...

[Fry whispers something to Farnsworth and the crew get angry at him for doing so. Farnsworth slaps Fry.]

Hermes: [to Farnsworth] So you're saying this thing is censoring indecent planets?

Prof. Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.

Amy: [Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?

Leela: Come, Adam, partake of my forbidden fruit.

Zapp Brannigan: Thee will be done.

[as Leela and Zapp have sex]

Fry: For God's sake! Censor it! Censor it!

V-Giny: Approved for all audiences!

Fry: Nooooo!

Attack of the Killer App

Professor Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.

Leela: So long, overly-complicated Japanese toilet!

Toilet: Please, not throw away. I give you, uh, happy poopy time!

Fry: Sorry, you know too much.

Clerk: Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold the charge and the reception isn't very…

Fry: Shut up and take my money!

Bender: This looks like a good place to ditch some evidence. [Opens bin and finds Flexo inside] Flexo! What are you doing in a hazardous waste bin?

Flexo: Didn't you hear? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun...[Bender closes bin]

Professor Farnsworth: Who are you talking to?

Bender: No one. Your momma. Shut up. Take your pick.

Scoop Chang: Isn't all this e-waste dangerous?

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Not at all, Scoop! Not after it's hauled off to the Third World by a team of expendable, minimum wage nobodies!

Professor Farnsworth: [Turns to the crew.] Good news, nobodies!

Fry: That was low, Bender, even by your standards.

Bender: My what, now?

Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy?

Bender: August 6, 1991.

Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.

Dr. Ben Beeler: The new eyePhone has an app for that!

Bender: Does it have an app for kissing my shiny metal ass?

Dr. Ben Beeler: Several!

Infosiquito: This guy sure loves porno!

Proposition Infinity

Hermes: When the lights go out, it's nobody's business what goes on between two consenting adults.

Zoidberg: Or one!

Reverand Lionel Preacherbot: The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible.

Prof. Farnsworth: Back when I was full of piss and vinegar and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl ever to skip though a field of posies.

Bender: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... Oops! Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I'm in love with a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.

George Takei's Head: I haven't heard a speech this eloquent since Bill Shatner told me why he couldn't pay me back.

Bender: We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!

Hermes: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!

Amy: We're talking about robosexual marriage.

Hermes: We're talking about lots of stuff.

Amy: Why do you have to be so mean to me?

Bender: Shut up, baby. You love it.

Amy: Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?

Bender: What?

[Cut to Amy and Bender in bed]

Amy: That was great.

Bender: Shut up.

The Duh-Vinci Code

Fry: Hey, I’m beginning to think you guys don’t think I’m very smart.

Prof. Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name, Einstein.

Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember!

[The Professor sighs, and pokes Fry in the eyes with a double fing-longer.]

Fry: Ow!

Amy: Shmesh, Professor. Don't have a shmaneurism. Fry’s your distant relative.

Prof. Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I’m this monkey’s nephew.

Fry: But you’re my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I’ve been too harsh. Come, lad, take my hand and I’ll explain why I find you so repugnant.

Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.

Prof. Farnsworth: Quiet, you. I’m trying to deduce the function of Da Vinci’s lost invention.

Fry: Not even a card.

Prof. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.

Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?

Prof. Farnsworth: To the ship!

Prof. Farnsworth: My God! DaVinci's Vitruvian Man!

Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

Professor Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them they think they're smarter than me.

Lethal Inspection

Bender: Dying sucks butt. How do you living beings cope with mortality?

Leela: Violent outbursts.

Amy: General sluttiness.

Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Bender: Anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, I fear I may not survive this war re-enactment. I can’t believe we’re only 12 feet from the parking lot.

Fry: [Laughing.] This is every bit as fun as the real civil war.

Leela: Not the Civil War, private. We’re re-enacting the Sith-il War.

Fry: Sith? What the hoth?

Darth Trocious: I shall rip out your heart and show it to you! [Taps Scruffy with toy lightsaber] It is done.

Scruffy: [lies down] The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Mmm-hmm.

Bender: [Exits phone booth.] Well, things are startin' to look up.

Hermes: Look up! [Missile explodes.] Who did you call? Dial-a-bomb?

Hermes: They have phones in booths now? Finally! I don't have to lug this cell phone around.

Bender: Aw, shoot!

Killbot 1: Someone said "shoot!"

[Killbots 1 and 3 shoot at Killbot 2 and 2 explodes]

Killbot 1: We're gonna get fired.

Killbot 2: Someone said "fire!"

[Gunfire kills killbot 1 then killbot 2 is killed by the tunnel.]

Killbot 2: Cease fire. Mom called off the attack, although I don't see how it's her-

Killbot 3: Someone said "howitzer!"

[Killbots 1 and 3 start firing on the middle killbot, eventually blowing themselves up.]

Bender: His ass-ias is gracias.

Hermes: Leela! What in the name of Jah happened?

Leela: Too much papers! Not enough hiding plants!

Fry: If you were really dead you wouldn’t be laughing so hard.

Bender: Yeah, yeah. Death’s a big deal to you fleshbags. But in case you didn’t notice, I’m a robot.

Fry: So? What if something heavy fell on you? Like a church? You could still die.

Bender: Nuh uh! My wireless backup unit saves a copy of me every day. So, if my body gets killed, big whoop. I just download into another body. I’m immortal, baby.

Amy: What? Then how come you always scream so much when you’re in danger?

Bender: I never said I wasn’t a drama queen.

The Late Philip J. Fry

Elzar: Weren't you the loser who got stood up at my other restaurant?

Leela: Shut up and bring me two dinners!

Fry: Hey, uh... What was the purpose of life, anyway?

Professor Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.

Bender: Mm-hm.

Fry: Sounds about right.

Farnsworth: You were late this morning. So you'll have to stay and test my latest invention.

[They walk over to a giant sheet covering something. He reveals a time travelling machine.]

Farnsworth: Behold! A time travelling machine!

[Fry and Bender gasp.]

Bender: Time? I can't go back there!

Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history. Or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.

Fry: I wouldn't wanna do that again.

Hedonism bot: Everywhere I looked there were piles of bodies. And then the explosion struck.

Farnsworth: I got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for.

[This future is entirely covered in a dead desert, covering as far as the eyes can see.]

Farnsworth: Nope.

[Farnsworth takes up a device that scans the area and turns up an X on its screen and buzzes.]

Farnsworth: In fact, all life is extinct.

Fry: All in all, I had a pretty sweet life. How about we grab a six pack and watch the universe end.

Bender: That's what I basically do everyday.

In The year 252525:

In the year 105105,

If man is still alive,

If robot can survive,

They may find...

In the year 252525,

The backwards time machine still won't have arrived.

In all the world, there's only one technology,

A rusty sword for practicing proctology!

In a future year that ends with a twenty (351120),

A shlubby merman's gonna try to get chummy.

He may look like a watery wimp,

When in fact he's a bloodthirsty shrimp!

In the year 1000000&1/2,

Humankind is enslaved by giraffe.

Man must pay for all his misdeeds,

When the treetops are stripped of their leaves!

Whoa-oh!

Leela: I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it.

Fry: That was the old Fry. He's dead now.

That Darn Katz!

Professor Katz: We shall now vote "yea" or "nay". Nay.

Wernstrom: Nay!

Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: Hell nay!

Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: The horse says: "doctorate denied".

Calculon: Catastrophe Beach Party – scene one. Cue disaster effects and, action!

[the entire studio gets flies through the air. The walls of the building fly off and the letters to the Hollywood Sign follow. A man screams while shooting away]

Calculon: Cut! That extra looked at the camera; we'll have to do it again.

Announcer: Cash, cash, cash! Too many bones and not enough cash? Sell your extra bones for cash! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain little ear bones! The leg bone's connected to the... Cash Bone!

Leela: [Dresses cat in Nibbler's sailor suit] Admiral Cutiepaws reporting for duty... I mean, cutie!

Nibbler: My best friend died in that uniform.

Nibbler: Can we at least know what you're doing down there?

Prof. Farnsworth: We're certainly not building anything sinster, if that's what you mean. Come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself.

Amy: Professor Katz's last name is Katz. You think he has something to do with all these cats?

Nibbler: The conclusion is as inescapable as it is moronic. It's time we paid him a visit. [Hands Amy a pistol] And if he won't listen to us, perhaps he'll listen to Smith & Wesson. [Picks up large plasma cannon] Or perhaps Consolidated Headmelter.

Amy: So you call my thesis a fat sack of barf and then stole it?

Professor Katz: Welcome to academia.

Amy: I'm finally done with school! How's the job market?

Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: [Pointer lands on "dog"] Ruff!

Amy: Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas.

Prof. Farnsworth: Nice.

Amy: Temperature? Woah! The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck!

Prof. Farnsworth: You've got a bright future, Amy. As sure as the Sun sets in the east.

Nibbler: Leela, it’s time you and I had a talk.

Leela: A talk? You can’t break up with me! You’re my pet!

A Clockwork Origin

Ben Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth.

Prof. Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end.

Ben Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!

[Farnsworth spits out his drink]

Dr Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution.

[Banjo pulls a cord and a painting of Homo farnsworth riding a dinosaur is revealed.] Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.

Prof. Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know how to handle bullies, just pretend like you're pathetic. [Brett Blob comes towards him and Cubert] Help! I'm scared. I wet myself, I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee. But what else is new!

Brett Blob: Hahaha the pee babies peed themselves! I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.

Prof. Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.

Hermes: And here's something. [Finds a fossilized dog] Uh-oh, it's another one of Fry's dogs.

Fry: Did you say something, Hermes?

Hermes: Nothing.

[Zoidberg and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.]

Zoidberg: Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! What, too soon?

Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.

Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.

Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.

Hermes: It's pizza time. [passes boxes to the rest of the crew.]

Amy: Ugh, pineapple?

[Everyone makes disgusted noises]

Hermes: So much for that.

The Prisoner of Benda

Amy: [in Farnsworth's body] Oh no! Can we switch back using four or more bodies?

Professor Farnsworth: [in Bender's body] I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH.

Linda: Tonight at 11...

Morbo: DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

[Washbucket, in Amy's body, appears at the door dressed in sexy lingerie]

Scruffy: Ms Wong?

Washbucket: No, Scruffy, I am Washbucket. I love you. Washbucket has always loved you!

[Scruffy and Washbucket kiss, but Scruffy pulls away.]

Scruffy: It's wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while. But in the back of our minds we'd know that I'm a man, and you're janitorial equipment.

Washbucket: In another city, we could be anyone we want.

Scruffy: Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay!

[Washbucket leaves]

Scruffy: [Sobs, then suddenly stops] Ayup.

Amy: I wasted my youth porking out.

Farnsworth: Yes, I remember. [He points to a picture of a fat Amy, captioned "2997 employee of the year".]

Amy: Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry.

Fry: So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I don't like her in the Professor's disgusting body.

Hermes: You do, don't you?

Fry: Of course, but I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?

Hermes: You could switch your mind into a gross, disgusting body, give her a toke of her own medicine.

Fry: Of course! But it would have to be a really disgusting body.

Zoidberg: Friends, look! I have barnacles in my tuchus! [Opens his trousers to reveal barnacles on his buttocks]

Hermes: [to Fry] The long search is over.

Hermes: Sweet orca of Majorca! You make Fat Albert look like Normal Albert!

[Leela, in Farnsworth's body, and Fry, in Zoidberg's body, dine at Elzar's]

Leela: Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?

Fry: Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.

Leela: You mean, like my penis?

Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences

Ndnd: I demand the ancient ritual of Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or consequences!

Fry: Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or what?!

Fry: I don't want my comic picked apart by nerds. I'm taking it to a comic book convention.

Fry: So? What do you think of my comic?

Bender: Let me put it like this: After I leave here, I'm getting a memory enema.

Matt Groening's Head: I'm sure you're all excited to see the pilot for our new show.

David X. Cohen's Head: It's called Futurella. It takes place in the year 4000.

[Clip begins; suddenly a CANCELLED title card appears]

Matt Groening's Head: Boy, Fox has really streamlined the process.

Robot Moderator: Mr. Groening will now take questions. But, please, about Futurella and not The Simpsons. Yes, the robot standing on the small child?

Bender: I have a question! When are you going to make a second Simpson's Movie?

[Matt Groening's nameplate opens and fires a laser at Bender.]

Lrrr: I don’t understand. Why are the humans still eating their soft pretzels instead of surrendering?

Leela: They’re probably just waiting for Joss Whedon.

Lrrr: Joss Whedon’s here? Wait a minute, you look familiar.

Leela: Yeah. You almost ate me once. I was in your mouth for five minutes.

Lrrr: Leela?

The Mutants Are Revolting

Bender: This calls for a party, baby! I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise!

Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: As long-time mutants ourselves, we support your righteous struggle, and will do anything we can for you.

Dwayne: Play "Whip It"!

Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: No. [to a band member] Play the other one.

Mrs. Astor: A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years.

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, I have.

Fry: And I'm his uncle!

Mrs. Astor: How charmingly unconventional.

Fry: I can eat a hot dog underwater!

Zoidberg: Hooray! A happy ending for the rich people.

Dwayne: Are we not men now?

Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: I'm 40% potato, but close enough.

Leela: Oh, Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. [She pauses as her parents look shocked.] I'm sorry.

Turanga Munda: It's okay, sweetie. Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole.

Turanga Morris: What do ya say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake, and Safeway ice cream?

Fry: I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people.

Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face.

Zoidberg: Urgh!

The Futurama Holiday Spectacular

Amy: Something's wrong. It's way too quiet.

Fry: Like the deadly Prius.

Amy: Oh no! This could be the year without a Kwanza, like every year before 1966.

Professor: We have only one hope left, and as usual, it's Norwegian!

Bender: You know, I don't recall having done anything in a while, but I still feel I deserve a smoke.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news! All these pine trees are fighting global warming by producing oxygen. Happy now, Gore?

Al Gore's Head: Yeah. But I'd be happier if I had a set of lungs.

Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking?

Prof. Farnsworth: [gasps] It's an albino humping worm!

Fry: Why do they call it that?

[The ship begins to rock back and forth]

Prof. Farnsworth: Because it doesn't have any pigment.

Al Gore's Head: Don't worry, the Futurama crew will be back next year with new episodes, starring Bender, Leela, and me, Al Gore, as Captain Lance Starman.

Richard Nixon's Head: That's what my poll numbers need: Happy voters enjoying some holiday cheer.

Dick Cheney's Head: As your Vice President, I order you to steal that tree.

Bender: Do you not give a damn about the hallowed traditions of Robanukah?!

Hoschel: I reckon I do not. Anyways, Earth done run out of petroleum oil.

Al Gore's Head: I tried to warn you. [to Hoschel] One unit of free limitless solar power please.

[Hoschel steps out of the sun. He smiles when it reaches full power.]

Hoschel: That'll be... I dunno... ten bucks?

Al Gore's Head: Um, can you make change for a Nobel Prize?

Fry: Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song?

Robot Santa: [singing] It's the violentest season of the year.

Elf: Old Kringle-bot has come to spread some mugs of Xmas fear.

Robot Santa: Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head

When I cane you from the comfort of my sled.

Leela: On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel,

Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel.

Prof. Farnsworth': And if Grandma's Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass,

It can be re-gifted straight to Santa's ass.

Robot Santa: But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial,

The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile.

The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous

Is a pine tree; a pine tree that's coniferous.

Planet Express crew: We have to have a pine tree as coniferous.

Robot Santa: [flies away] You're welcome.

Bender: I've placed instruments under your seats. Play 'em or I'll break 'em over your heads!

[Fry gets out a holophonor; the Professor, a fiddle; and Dr. Zoidberg, an accordion, and start playing klezmer music.]

Bender': [singing] Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish,

But its ancient sounding customs are exceptionally newish.

So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddish cup,

Which will give me time to quickly make them up.

Hermes: Do you spin a dreidel made from clay?

Bender': Mine is called a droidel and it's rigged to make you pay.

Amy: Do you eat these yummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins?

Bender': Better!

We got fembots with illegal five-speed groins!

Shalom, Ruth and Esther!

Ruth: Why with the music so loud?

Esther: Would it kill him to turn up the heat a little in here?

Bender': But by far the most important thing is oil.

Leela: To keep the lamp light burning or to help the latkes broil?

Bender': No, we pour the holy lubricant out from the sacred vessel

Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle.

Planet Express crew: The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special

Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle.

[Hermes and LaBarbara provide backup on kalimba and drum respectively.]

Kwanzaa-bot: The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa!

So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya!

LaBarbara: Kujichagulia...

Barbados Slim and Bubblegum Tate: And umoja...

Hermes: And the rest.

Planet Express crew: Now we get it!

Kwanzaa-bot: Sit back down! There's gonna be a test.

My favorite's ujamaa.

Bubblegum Tate: Cooperative economics.

Kwanzaa-bot: [to Dwight] Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics!

Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity.

Barbados Slim: Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities. [starts coming on to Zoidberg]

Kwanzaa-bot: I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili,

Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy?

Prof. Farnsworth: That's from Xmas and Robanukah, you plagiarizing lout!

Kwanzaa-bot: Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out.

But before I go, the most important thing...

Dwight: What's that, Black Santa?

Kwanzaa-bot: You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night.

But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white.

Planet Express crew: [writing on notepads] They must be made of beeswax or we might as well be white.

Neutopia

Amy: It would've been nice to shop at Tommy Hilfiger one last time.

Hattie: It wasn't Tommy Hilfi-gigger. It was Linens 'n' Things!

Petunia: The hell it was! It was a Juicy Couture!

Leela: I guess we all saw what we wanted to see.

Fry: Wait. Why didn't that hurt? [stretches pants to check] Aggghhh! My wing-wang's gone!

Leela: My girls!

Bender: My antenna!

Hattie: My kajigger!

Zoidberg: My gonopores!

[slight pause in compilcation]

Zoidberg: Look it up.

Hermes: Give us back our genitals!

Rock Alien: Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them.

LaBarbara: Being human's not about being happy, it's about loving and fighting and that Rasta McNasty we were doing last night, ha ha. We want that back!

Fry: Never bet against me being stupid!

Leela: Well, it was a lot of hard work, but it beats posing in skimpy, demeaning outfits.

Prof. Farnsworth: Here are your skimpy, demeaning stewardress uniforms.

Hermes: Mmm, you're cooking me back fat bacon.

LaBarbara: That's not back fat bacon! That's your back fat bakin'!

Zapp Brannigan: I got your distress call and came here as soon as I wanted to.

Hermes: I've found a loophole. It says here that we can renew the mortgage for the building by actually paying it. All we need is... $11,000,000.

Bender: Aaand boned.

Benderama

Linda: Hey you! Good evening. Who you calling drunk? You're not drunk, I'm drunk!

Morbo: Tha's right Linda. Water is n... now booze and everyone's... titty much protally fitshaced.

Morbo: Our top story: All alcohol on Earth has mysteriously disappeared. Consequences are minimal, except among the most hardened alcoholics. Linda?

Linda: I can no longer face my children!!!

Hermes: You wanna see a picture of my boy?

Zoidberg: Sure. [Hermes presents photo] That's your penis!

Hermes: That's my bouy!

Amy: This chair is so comfortable. [She throws up]

Bender: Heh, heh. Classic Amy.

Hermes: You'll have to be respectful. This customer is fifty-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance.

Amy: Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humongous acne cream... Aw, and one regular-sized condom.

Bender: All that and a small wiener? This guy's got it goin' on.

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!

Fry: Like the Kardashians!

Prof. Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone! Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.

[A hologram of equation appear, everyone gasps in horror except Fry]

Fry: Don't wait for me.

Prof. Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent!

Fry: [alarmed] Oh, dip!

Unattractive Giant Monster: All I wanted was to apologize to you people! But now I have to kill you!

Bender: How, by making me look at you?

Unattractive Giant Monster: No, by making you look at... my momma! [Shows picture to Bender, who recoils in horror]

Bender: Augh! Your momma's so ugly!

Unattractive Giant Monster: I told you not to talk about my momma!

Bender: Legion of Benders, come unto me! We have one thing to do.

Bender clones: Screw that!

Bender: Oh, come on, you lazy jerks! If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one-quintillionth of a thing.

Bender clones: [sigh] All right.

Fry: Bender, you duuu.

Bender: No, we duuu.

Ghost in the Machines

Hermes: As you can see, since Bender's death, request to bite one shiny metal ass are down 98%.

[Scruffy uses Bender's compartment (with a leg in an arm plate) as a vacuum]

Hermes: Do you mind doing that later?

Scruffy: Bite my shiny metal ass.

[the line chart rises]

Robot Devil: You see, Bender, it's simple. You're a ghost!

Bender: A g-g-g-g-ghost?!

Robot Devil: No, just the regular kind.

Zoidberg: Hey, look, a fog is rolling in.

Hermes: No, that's just the Jamaican pride float.

Amy: Looks like it's speeding up.

Hermes: Oh, no! It's within munching distance of the Doritos float!

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero. Mr. Fry, allow me to present you with the keys to the city. This one's for the deadbolt, this is for the top lock... I think this one's for the knob. The city's in a bad neighborhood. Care to say a few words, son?

Fry: Uh... Heroes don't do drugs! Except for Drugman, I guess.

Hermes: Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months.

Leela: How is Lynn, by the way?

Bender: Livin' in Oregon with her crazy mother!

Fry: All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. [dials a number.]

Hermes: Who you gonna call?

Fry: Gho— [interrupted by a beep.]

Female voice: The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.

Law and Oracle

Fry: Hello. I'd like to enroll in Police Academy.

Officer: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?

Fry: That's the plan.

Officer: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.

Fry: I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.

Officer: Welcome to Police Academy. [both shake hands]

Chief O'Manahan: I'll make it short and sweet, because I'm PMSing like a lumberjack. Police academy is not easy. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But if you've got the vulva to stick it out, you ladies will make excellent policemen.

Fry: Sir, yes, ma'am!

Officer URL: What's in the box Schrodinger?

Erwin Schrodinger: A cat, some poison and a caesium atom.

Fry: The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead!?

Officer URL: Answer him fool.

Erwin Schrodinger: It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.

Fry: Says you. [Fry opens the box and a cat leaps out at him.]

Officer URL: There's also a lot of drugs in there.

URL: And to think he was only a few days from retirement.

Fry: What happened to him?

URL: He decided to take an early retirement

Yo Leela Leela

Warden Vogel: Sometimes you gotta choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books.

Leela as Lady Buggle: Doingg, don't lick things that don't wanna be licked.

Fry as Doingg: But how do I know what to lick and what not to lick?

Leela as Lady Buggle: It's very simple.

(Techno music starts playing)

Leela as Lady Buggle: (singing) If it's alive, don't lick it.

Zoidberg as Feffernoose: (also singing) Like a horse, a turtle or a cricket.

Bender as Garbly: I like turtles!

Leela: Thanks, guys, but lets realistic. We all know that any TV show that's even slightly good gets cancelled. Sometimes two or three times.

Doingg: I love eating vegetables. Don't you? They're like crunchy, green water.

Garbly: I don't like 'em. They're icky-yucky!

Lady Buggle: Now, now, Garbly, if we don't eat our vegetables, we won't grow big and strong. Like Feffernoose.

Feffernoose: I have to be big and strong to fight off the monsters. (does a spit-take) Did somebody say monsters?!

Lady Buggle: Oh, hello, Leela. I was just telling my friends how they shouldn't eat food off the floor. Should we sing a song about it?

Fry: (excitedly) Yes please!

Lady Buggle: I'm as sad as an upside-down smile.

All the Presidents' Heads

Hermes: Well, it's 6o'clock. I guess we'll have to deliver that human heart tomorrow. Good work, people!

Bender: Woo-hoo! Time to go clubbing! [pulls out a baseball bat] Baby seals, here I come!

Franklin D. Roosevelt's Head: We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.

Hermes: So... You grow hemp?

Thomas Jefferson's head: Yes.

Hermes: And... You do what with it?

Thomas Jefferson's head: All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope...

Hermes: Oh. Well, nice talking to you. [goes away.]

Thomas Jefferson's head: Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.

Hermes: [comes back] Let me give you my pager number.

Thomas Jefferson: Alexander Hamilton of New York, how say you?

Alexander Hamilton: Nay.

Thomas Jefferson: John Hancock and John Adams of Massachusetts?

John Adams: Yea.

John Hancock: Yea.

Thomas Jefferson: The yeas have it. Our nation's official joke state shall be New Jersey.

Prof. Farnsworth: Fry, you dope! You've really screwed the granny this time!

Möbius Dick

Amy: Oh no, I'm having a Serengeti Flashback! Die you stinkin' giraffe!

[The crew are taken into the fourth dimension by the Space Whale]

Hermes: I can see sideways in time! [reverse] !emit ni syawedis ees nac I

Amy: Gee, I see CGI! [reverse] !IGC ees I, eeG

Fry: Poop! Ha-ha-ha! [reverse] !ah-ah-ah !pooP

Bender: Aw, yeah!

Benders: Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!

[The whale flies out of the fourth dimension]

Bender: A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-- Oh..! That was the greatest uncountably infinite bunch of guys I ever met.

Fry: Leela, I'm no medical expert, but I think you be showing some serious signs of 'illin.

Amy: You've gone from crazy like a fox to crazy like Fox News.

Hermes: Zoidberg was popular?!

Amy: Zoidberg had hair?!

Prof. Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you imagined it that way, that's your business!

Leela: Need I remind you that in space, the captain's word is law? I could marry Hermes with Bender against their will if I wanted to.

Hermes: [gasps] You wouldn't dare!

Bender: Eh, I've been married to worse.

Amy: Where are we?

Hermes: Inside the belly of the beast.

Fry: Like that guy in the Bible... Pinocchio!

Leela: All right, which one of you sea dogs has the guts and know-how to harpoon a whale?

Amy: I spent a semester in Africa hunting giraffes, and giraffes are basically land space whales.

Leela: Ms. Wong, you have the 'poon.

Fry Am the Egg Man

Amy: Jinkies! He Scooby-Dooed us!

Angus McZongo: May I buy you a drink? We don't get a lot of pretty faces around here.

Leela: Uh, sure, but I'm driving. I'll just have the smallest whiskey you've got.

Angus McZongo: A small aquarium of whiskey for the busty lass.

Fry: You can't sit on something for a week without falling in love with it.

Fry: Mr. Peppy wouldn't hurt your sheep. He's a vegetarian, and he's not even preachy about it.

Fry: You can't just kill somebody because they're ugly and corrosive.

Amy: That's what we said about Zoidberg, and look where that got us.

Zoidberg: Amy makes a good point.

The Tip of the Zoidberg

Zoidberg: Is this one o' those "No means yes" deals?!

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes and no.

Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpson's Jaundice.

Fry: [with yellow skin] Ay, carumba!

Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.

Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry...

Fry: Careful, Leela. He knows less about human anatomy than I do, and I can't even find my own uterus.

Fry: Oh, sure. Leela's fine. But my jaundice has progressed to Muppet Gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.

Leela: It wasn't unavoidable! You just had to stop cutting my spine when I yelled, "Stop! You're cutting my spine!"

Fry: Stop complaining. My body rejected your liver and now I have Garfield Syndrome. I hate Mondays.

Leela: Once and for all, Fry, even though it's the future, most objects are still just objects. Not Aliens who look like objects.

Fry: So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations with the cactus people were doomed from the start.

Doctor: My God. I've never seen such a gruesome shark attack. Especially this far inland.

Leela: It wasn't a shark. It was an awful, incompetent doctor.

Doctor: Wow. He must've been a total Zoidberg.

Cold Warriors

Zapp Brannigan: We have only one option: Protocol 62.

Richard Nixon's Head: Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas.

Zapp Brannigan: Then Protocol 63 it is.

Zoidberg: They're flying Manhattan into the sun. They must have been out of piranhas.

Yancy, Sr.: Double time, soldier. I want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours.

Fry: [shivers] It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off.

Yancy, Sr.: Pfft! You don't know what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier eating nothing but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid.

[flashback to 1988 as the Fry family are enjoying Thanksgiving dinner at Panucci's Pizza]

Mr. Panucci: Hey, Barack! Pizza goin' out. Come on!

Barack Obama: Man, I've got to go back to law school.

Fry: [to Yancy, Jr.] Pffft! I'm not gonna wind up a loser like that guy.

[flashback to 1988 where Yancy Sr and Fry are ice fishing in a shack on a frozen lake]

Yancy Fry Sr: You still 'aven't thanked me for pullin' you outta the lake, soldier.

Fry: I could've flip-flopped out.

Yancy Fry Sr: I know that. Look, son. I know I give you the business sometimes. But, if I'm hard on you, it's only 'cause I want you to grow up strong and resilient. Someday, you may face adversities so preposterous, I can't even conceive of them. But I know you'll pull through and make me proud. I love you, son. Now, bundle up, I don't want you gettin' frozen.

Overclockwise

Cubert: This may take a while. I've got to adjust the memory timing, raise the CPU voltage, and delete twelve terabytes of outdated catchphrases.

Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun!

Female voice: Deleted.

Leela: Don't you ever wonder about the future?

Fry: Well, sure, but you're always in it.

[Leela smiles]

Fry: Also, sometimes Terminators.

Mom: Farnsworth? What a lucky break, after all these years I've got him, and legally too.

Larry: Even an idiot like me knows he'll be ruined.

Mom: An idiot like you is correct! [slaps him]

Hermes: Good news, everyone! That's what the Professor would say if he weren't in jail facing a life sentence.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh God! I clicked without reading.

Cubert Farnsworth: And I slightly modified a thing that I own.

Professor Farnsworth We're monsters!

[Both cry]

Reincarnation

God Entity: A wise man once said that nothing really dies. It just comes back in a new form. Then he died. So, next time you see a lowly salamander, think twice before you step on it; it might be you. Stand by for "Reincarnation".

Prof. Farnsworth: Movietone News, everyone!

Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me? And also, I have bad posture, some severe financial problems?

Bender: Have you tried gettin' her pregnant?

Fry: Gosh, yes! I've tried and tried! But, so far, I only got Amy pregnant.

Amy: Watch it, you stumble bums! You're boopin' my Betty!

Leela: Is my eye playing trick on me?

Bender: Th-th-that's all you get, chumps!

Fry: All right, diamond. You won those round, but I have an ace up my hole.

Fry: A guy like me can't afford a diamond ring for a gal like her.

Bender: That's for sure, not on the measly salary I steal from you every week. [takes Fry's wallet]

Bender: Byte my 8 bit metal ass. [to Hermes] That's byte with a 'Y'.

[while examining a log under a super microscope]

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh my, there's a frog on a bump on this log that I found in a hole at the bottom of the sea.

Leela: And that's the ultimate secret of the universe?

Prof. Farnsworth: Apparently so. Wait! There's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump on this log that I found in a hole on the bottom of the sea. The snail itself is composed of cells, molecules, atoms...

Fry: Pfff! Those things don't rhyme!

Prof. Farnsworth: Things only rhyme below ten to the minus five angstroms, you dope!

Bender: [trying to cheer up the professor] Would it cheer you up if I punch Fry in the groin? Cause I'll do it, regardless.

Prof. Farnsworth: Fry, you idiot, you're a genius!

Amy: You solved the problem that drove Einstein and forced Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice-actor.

Stephen Hawking's Head: I like physics, but I love cartoons.

Leela: What is that box, you old witch?

Prof. Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha! I'll never tell you! It's a deep space emotion detector.

[all gasp]

Prof. Farnsworth: The detector detects that you are impressed.

Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.

Farnsworth: All attempts to communicate with the aliens have failed. I fear our only option is thrilling space battle.

Bender/Fry: Power Friends Go!

Zoidberg: Here my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard.

Cubert: Custard Time?! Hooray!

Prof. Farnsworth: Of course! Having no mouths or ears they can only communicate through motions!

Fry: Or perhaps by odors.

Bender: That is how you communicate.

Amy/Leela/Fry/Bender/Hermes: Hahahahahahaha!

Bender and Fry: [communicating with the aliens via dance] Hey aliens, we will kill you! And dishonor your widows by making them gather wood!

Prof. Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all.

Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise [mouth stops moving] next week at the same time!